but would they write a song for you

January 31, 2009 at 12:16 pm (Uncategorized)

‘i love him but i’m not in love with him.’

i told her that, and i meant it. kinda.

i’m not over you. not completely. but i don’t expect to be anytime soon. what i felt for you, it was real. every little bit of it. i loved you. i loved you in the i-will-ignore-your-every-bad-habit-because-it-doesn’t-matter kinda way. but i am done with deluding myself into thinking there is hope for us. and i am letting go. i’m letting go of hope for us, because well, there is none.

it’s hard though. i have to fight my feelings everytime i see you. sometimes, you make it easy. you’re an occasional dickhead, and when i see flashes of that, i can’t remember what i saw in you in the first place. problem is, more often than not, you are good to me. and that boy is the one that makes me stutter and forget all my reasonings.

what helps though, is that, i know you. and i know me. and i know that you and me together, apart from there just no being a chance, we would never work. we’re both too volatile, too prideful, we’re too much like each other. we would mess each other up. and i can see that.

i love you. i always will. you can screw me over a dozen times, and i will still love you. but i’m working on not being in love with you. that, i think i have hope of acheiving.

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i wear sneakers

January 30, 2009 at 3:22 pm (Uncategorized)

i will blog about my awesome birthday (as soon as i get the pictures which means cough alyssa cough evie better send them to me soonish)

today, someone said something, and i feel like i need to type this out, because for some reason or another, i couldn’t say it just then.
‘i wonder who will miss me when i’m gone.’
i will miss you.
i will miss your sarcasm, how you always kept me on my toes, how you mocked me and how i mocked you.
i will miss the ease with which we converse.
i will miss  you because you were always there for me, like the night i gave away me heart and it got thrown back in my face. you stayed up with me on the phone while i cried. you gave me the courage to be true, and when it ended with heartbreak, you gave me the courage to accept that.
i will miss you because even though you are not the person i run to, you are there for me to run to.
i will miss you because you are a good guy, and frankly, they’re a rare breed.
i will miss you because you are part of my (barely existing) quartet.
i will miss you because you’re my friend, one of the few i give a rat’s ass about.  
i will miss you.

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January 30, 2009 at 3:43 am (Uncategorized)

thank you for the texts/calls/letters/im’s/blog posts.
am gonna attempt to make up for the fact that i did not celebrate my 18th here.
the weekend will be awesome. cimg2296

yes laa, i no shame.

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January 29, 2009 at 10:32 am (Uncategorized)

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January 27, 2009 at 10:18 am (Uncategorized)

you break me. and i cannot do this anymore.
i am not strong enough to fight you, and the fact that i should even consider that is skewered beyond belief.
you need help, or you’re going to end up hurting us both beyond repair.

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i’m flying without wings

January 26, 2009 at 5:24 am (Uncategorized)

this is probably going to get me mocked, but i don’t care.
watched a westlife tv special earlier, and enjoyed it.
i remember being 8, and idolizing westlife. seriously, i was a total fan girl. i even had pictures of them in my wallet.

nearly ten years ( and numerous rock/metal/punk music influences) later,  i still know the words to all their hits.
makes me sad though that bryan’s gone. he was my favourite member. and, is it me, or does nicky look like barney from how i met your mother? kinda.
now listening to their greatest hits on replay.
yeah, i’m cool.

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where is the love

January 25, 2009 at 12:25 pm (Uncategorized)

planning is tedious shit. the madre unwisely told me to plan my own birthday dinner, but when she saw my list comprising some ten bottles of champagne and ice cream from dairy queen (which btw, is in the states), she decided that maybe she would undertake the task herself. which was my plan anyways. i can’t be organized to save my life. so spent the whole days going on go sees to various delis/restaurants to find something good.
madre thinks i have dementia because while driving, i saw a rather large dog and wondered out loud why there was a goat on the road. swear to god, it looked very goat-like. really.
had the strangest dream last night. i was chilling in a suite with bob marley. he looked extremely stoned and told me to ‘find the music within my soul which might not necessarily be music’, then he gave me a high five. while i tried to come up with an equally philosophical comeback, kurt cobain walked in with a jug of beer. he told me to ‘die for yourself and no one else’, and then he gave me a high five. as i was trying to figure out what exactly was his point, jeff buckley walked in with a guitar and said ‘cheryl, cheryl cheryl (sidenote: WHY DOES JEFF BUCKLEY KNOW MY NAME?) where is the love?’ and then he too, gave me a high five. yeah, i don’t know what it is with these dead musicians giving me high fives. also, why is jeff buckley quoting the black eyed peas? where was i – oh yeah, so then i sat down and started laughing. i laughed so hard, i tipped over and fell. and then i woke up. you’re very welcome to make what you want of this dream. i’m confused.

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i will never know

January 23, 2009 at 2:43 am (Uncategorized)

people are giving me crap for not doing tags. for you iqa, because i called you nic for a whole week. and i will continue to do so for another week when i see you.

Once you’ve been tagged, you have to write a post with sixteen random things, habits or goals about you. At the end, choose six people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them. Don’t forget to leave a comment (“You’re tagged!”), and to read your blog, you can’t tag a person who tagged you. Since you can’t tag me, let me know when you’ve posted your blog, so I can see your weirdness.

1) i cannot sleep with open doors. actually, i generally cannot function with  open doors because they spook me.
2) i want to go to spain.
3) i obsessively make lists, though i know that half the time, i won’t stick to them.
4) one tree hill is my life bible. literally.
5) i fall down the stairs an average of twice a month. and no, i don’t plan to do this. it just happens.
6) silence scares me.
7) my hatred of the colour pink is unreal.
8) i make mix tapes. a lot of them.
9) i’m a horror movie junkie.
10) i have insomnia.
11) i have a giant stuffed banana named bob. he is waay cool.
12) sometimes, i think i like animals more than humans. i’m a lot nicer to them.
13) i write letters to people and never send them. i keep them in this little black box, and whenever i’m feeling blah, i read them.
14) i want to go back to oregon sometime soon.
15) my first celebrity crush was aaron carter. i know, i know. i’ve grown up some since them. JENSEN ACKLES.
16) i work on impulses a lot. this is not smart. fun, but not smart. especially when i do things like driving to another state and not informing the parentals. yeah, take me up on this, don’t do it.

i tag (and only because i have to. i will not guilt trip you if you don’t do it.):
chin hong
leconte (haha. what a pointless tag)
jun yow ( i don’t even know if he knows that i have a blog. yeesh. way to self promote)

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but all i see is you and me

January 21, 2009 at 4:02 pm (Uncategorized)

i’ve just watched the most bewildering movie.

i am sufficiently disturbed.

got taught the basics of foosball today. thank you for not beating me up for sucking so bad.

i am now going to read othello, or maybe feign interest in pride and prejudice and reread that. or maybe i’ll just bum around.

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i’m not going to live forever

January 20, 2009 at 3:28 pm (Uncategorized)

i said yes to seeing him and i don’t even know why. we weren’t even friends really, aquaintances if i was asked to state the nature of our relationship. i’ve known him forever, but we lost track of each other a while ago. sure there were the sporadic conversations, but they were never anything more than just check ups. so when he suggested meeting up, i said ok. what i meant was ‘i’m saying ok because it’s not going to happen anyways.’ then he called me saying he was in front of my house.

we went to the park in his car. it was windy and the grey sky was an almost mirror reflection of the lake. i had nothing to say to this boy. nothing. we sat in silence for a while, sometimes he’d point out something, sometimes, i would. that apart, we were silent. i watched him from the corner of my eye. he stared straight ahead, almost like he was content with our lack of verbal exchange. i wondered if he was having a good time.

suddenly he mentioned he was hungry. i shrugged and suggested going to the bakery. once there, i stood around while he browsed. the sky was mean looking and i wanted to be home, wrapped in my blankets, not here with a person i barely knew anymore. he tapped me on the shoulder and gestured to the table behind us. he’d gotten himself a week’s worth of pastries, and surprisingly enough, he got me a slice of american chocolate cake. “it was your 12th birthday cake remember?” huh. i remembered how he’d been there. like i said, i’ve known this boy forever. we sat there, munching when i heard this loud splash and i could barely suppress my groan. it was raining like there was no tomorrow. he caught my eye. “don’t worry. we can wait it out.” i didn’t want to say ‘no, actually, i just feel really uncomfortable right now. i want to leave,’ so i smiled and muttered something rude about the weather.  “so what do you want to do?” he asked me. if it was anyone else, i would have had an immediate answer. but this boy, he threw me of guard. i didn’t know what he wanted from me. you don’t just call up someone you haven’t seen in 6 years to say hi for no reason. “i don’t know,” i finally said, “talk i guess.”

we did talk. half an hour later, we made a mad dash for his car. soaking wet, i was shivering and wondering out loud how fast hypothermia set in. 9 year old him would have made fun of me, calling me a sissy, 19 year old him threw a jacket around my shoulders, his own brand of chivalry. for the first time in the hours we’d been hanging out, i smiled, and meant it. he turned the radio on, and breaking benjamin’s diary of jane blared. i sang along only to stop minutes later when i realised he was staring. “what?” he shrugged. “i remember you being into westlife.” i was floored that this guy remembered so many things about me. “i was. i still am i guess. i just..people change. my music prefernce changed.” he nodded, focusing on driving. “most embrassing on your playlist?” he suddenly asked. “aaron carter,” i answered in a monotone. he burst out laughing so loud, i thought he’d break a rib. “your turn.” i demanded. “britney.” i was confused. loads of guys i know like britney. sure i tease them about it, but it’s really not that embarassing. then the light bulb in my head came on. “old school britney?” he blushed, and nodded. “so..like..hit me baby?” he nodded again. “OHMYGOD!” he glared. i smiled widely, actually,no, i smirked. “shut up.” i pointed out that i wasn’t saying anything. “you’re thinking it.” i laughed.

by this point, we were in front of my house. i said bye, and got out. he honked and i turned around. “don’t be a stranger.” he called through the open window. i remember him when we were 8, and we’d started a ghost hunting club together. and again when i was 10, and he loaned me his recorder so i wouldn’t get in trouble. i knew that boy, but the boy had grown up, and this new version of him was completely foreign to me. “call me.” i said. and i meant it. sometimes, it’s possible to lose track of each other, but i guess if you’re lucky, really really lucky, you can find each other again. maybe.

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