i’m not going to live forever

January 20, 2009 at 3:28 pm (Uncategorized)

i said yes to seeing him and i don’t even know why. we weren’t even friends really, aquaintances if i was asked to state the nature of our relationship. i’ve known him forever, but we lost track of each other a while ago. sure there were the sporadic conversations, but they were never anything more than just check ups. so when he suggested meeting up, i said ok. what i meant was ‘i’m saying ok because it’s not going to happen anyways.’ then he called me saying he was in front of my house.

we went to the park in his car. it was windy and the grey sky was an almost mirror reflection of the lake. i had nothing to say to this boy. nothing. we sat in silence for a while, sometimes he’d point out something, sometimes, i would. that apart, we were silent. i watched him from the corner of my eye. he stared straight ahead, almost like he was content with our lack of verbal exchange. i wondered if he was having a good time.

suddenly he mentioned he was hungry. i shrugged and suggested going to the bakery. once there, i stood around while he browsed. the sky was mean looking and i wanted to be home, wrapped in my blankets, not here with a person i barely knew anymore. he tapped me on the shoulder and gestured to the table behind us. he’d gotten himself a week’s worth of pastries, and surprisingly enough, he got me a slice of american chocolate cake. “it was your 12th birthday cake remember?” huh. i remembered how he’d been there. like i said, i’ve known this boy forever. we sat there, munching when i heard this loud splash and i could barely suppress my groan. it was raining like there was no tomorrow. he caught my eye. “don’t worry. we can wait it out.” i didn’t want to say ‘no, actually, i just feel really uncomfortable right now. i want to leave,’ so i smiled and muttered something rude about the weather.  “so what do you want to do?” he asked me. if it was anyone else, i would have had an immediate answer. but this boy, he threw me of guard. i didn’t know what he wanted from me. you don’t just call up someone you haven’t seen in 6 years to say hi for no reason. “i don’t know,” i finally said, “talk i guess.”

we did talk. half an hour later, we made a mad dash for his car. soaking wet, i was shivering and wondering out loud how fast hypothermia set in. 9 year old him would have made fun of me, calling me a sissy, 19 year old him threw a jacket around my shoulders, his own brand of chivalry. for the first time in the hours we’d been hanging out, i smiled, and meant it. he turned the radio on, and breaking benjamin’s diary of jane blared. i sang along only to stop minutes later when i realised he was staring. “what?” he shrugged. “i remember you being into westlife.” i was floored that this guy remembered so many things about me. “i was. i still am i guess. i just..people change. my music prefernce changed.” he nodded, focusing on driving. “most embrassing on your playlist?” he suddenly asked. “aaron carter,” i answered in a monotone. he burst out laughing so loud, i thought he’d break a rib. “your turn.” i demanded. “britney.” i was confused. loads of guys i know like britney. sure i tease them about it, but it’s really not that embarassing. then the light bulb in my head came on. “old school britney?” he blushed, and nodded. “so..like..hit me baby?” he nodded again. “OHMYGOD!” he glared. i smiled widely, actually,no, i smirked. “shut up.” i pointed out that i wasn’t saying anything. “you’re thinking it.” i laughed.

by this point, we were in front of my house. i said bye, and got out. he honked and i turned around. “don’t be a stranger.” he called through the open window. i remember him when we were 8, and we’d started a ghost hunting club together. and again when i was 10, and he loaned me his recorder so i wouldn’t get in trouble. i knew that boy, but the boy had grown up, and this new version of him was completely foreign to me. “call me.” i said. and i meant it. sometimes, it’s possible to lose track of each other, but i guess if you’re lucky, really really lucky, you can find each other again. maybe.


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