it’s such a surpressed memory, and yet for some reason, it surfaced today.
it was the first really good day. the kind of day when you can tell summer’s on its way.
hannah, tessa, paige and i decided to go swimming.
this was a big deal, because it was the first swim sesh of the year. we didn’t go to zenchenko like everyone else. we went to the pier.
so there we were, 4 girls, sunbaked by the sun, at the edge of the pier. the three of them started arguing about who would jump in first.
i, the exchange student, rolled my eyes, and volunteered.
i wasn’t thinking when i made that jump. i never think.
the water was deeper than i thought it was, i couldn’t feel the bottom. it took so long for me to emerge, that i panicked.
i felt suffocated and in my terror, had a moment of clarity: ‘i’m going to die.’
i stopped flailing, and when my head finally broke the surface, i took the deepest breath of my life and clung to the wooden block, afraid that if i let go, i’d go through hell again.
the other three didn’t notice, and i never said anything.
my 30 seconds of terror was real to me, and me alone.
i rush through life. occasionally, i stumble, and slam into a brick wall. and that happened today.
it’s difficult for me to pinpoint the moment it all fell apart. all i know is that, it did.
i felt exactly like how i felt when i was trapped underwater, suffocated and terrified.
and i couldn’t verbalize this feeling, this fear. i’m not that girl, the one who is afraid of failing and of being a failure. or maybe i am. i am and i’m not. i don’t know. i don’t know.
i’m glad no one said anything, because i was so ridiculously close to tears.
i have too many fears, and i pretend i don’t, but the truth is i do. i do, and i can only admit so to very few people, because with others, the words don’t come and my damn pride kicks in.
he calls me, seeing through my monosyballic text. and he knows, he knows how i surpress this fear and that every once in a while, when it emerges, i’m left lost and scared. like a 5 year old. exactly like a 5 year old.
maybe we’re all just great pretenders. because i know i am. i pretend to not be afraid, the truth is i’m terrified.
i’m terrified of inadequancy. i’m terrified that i’m the walking definition of it. i’m terrified.
misery signals was beyond awesome.
i got there early, and for some reason no one stopped me from walking in. so, i sat there for the entire soundcheck plus i got to hang out with the band members. it was amazing. they were really cool, very down to earth and all that; really not people you’d assosciate with metal music.
pictures:
black territory
love me butch
band i cannot remember but were really good.
second comeback
grace is gone
incarnation
hereafter
cassandra
misery signals
the crowd went insane when they came on. i was nowhere near the mosh, cause i’m not into pain you see, and i still have like 5 bruises. totally worth it though. totally.
me not being a fan girl. but no, really. they’re my new homies. gave me high fives and everything.
fluffy
every once in a while, a movie comes along that changes your life.
this was that movie:
go watch it.
also, the soundtrack is some kind of awesome.
dude was right. the beatles really did have the right idea.
i am all over the place right now.
he sends me a text – ‘chat. out back. need.’ monosyllables indicate distress. i forget my lunch plans immediately.
i watched him fall apart in front of me, something i have mixed feelings about. for one, this is the boy with an ego the size of our galaxy. he doesn’t fall apart. he’s not vulnerable. he’s not needy. and yet, that is exactly what he was. i am honoured, to be trusted with this side of him. at the same time, i’m terrified. i have never seen him this way. i don’t know what to do.
we sit down and he tells me whats wrong, things 3 years ago, he would never have shared.
i tell him what i think. i give him facts, not comfort. i know what he wants, but, and this might sound pompous, i know better what he needs.
we walk away when suddenly he says, “thank you for being the most supportive person.”
i stop and stare. he drags me along. “you’re not going to hear it often.” he warns.
it sounds trivial, but he’s never acknowledged our friendship this way before. i’m allowed to gawk.
we stray in the shade, and argue about social rebounds. i tell him he cannot make the same mistake, he says we’ve all been there, even myself. i can see he doesn’t want to go there, but i ask anyway. i ask because i need to hear it. because i’ve needed to hear this for the past 4 years.
“extend your arms,” he says softly, an apologetic look in his eye.
he has made his point.
tears burn behind my eyelids, not because of the subject he brought up, but because i finally understood why we have never discussed this.
all those years, a younger me took his silence as apathy. and i was furious that he didn’t care.
now, i realise that it wasn’t out of apathy that he maintained silence, it was out of understanding. at a time where everyone else judged and pleaded, he knew better than to throw my mistakes back at my face.
in some respects, he gets me better than everyone else. in some respects, i do the same for him. we have no need to call each other out, with us, it’s just enough to know.
“i need you, ” he mumbles. “you’re the only one i trust to keep me straight,”
i’m here i tell him. i’m not going anywhere. and it’s true. angry as i have been, never once have i walked away.
we said our goodbyes, go on with our respective lives.
and even though this was about him, somehow i feel like we ended up disecting my heart.
it felt right.
we were on the edge of the water, you and i. me in my little black dress, you in that white shirt.
it’s a starry night, it’s windy, it’s perfect.
you gently trace the bracelets on my wrists, ask me why i wear them. no one else has done this. i wouldn’t explain to anyone else anyways.
suddenly, you stand up and start to walk away. i remain seated, staring at the water.
“aren’t you going to follow me?”
“not anymore.”
you fade away, and i’m left alone.
and then i wake up, tangled in my sheets. it’s 5 a.m., and i don’t know how i feel.
i sit on the balcony, head in my hands, heart in my mouth.
it’s been so long since i’ve dreamt of you. and never once, never have i not followed you.
so what does this mean?
am i finally over you? can i ever be over you?
i inhale slowly; my panic attacks are more frequent these days. i grip my phone tightly, and almost drop it when it buzzes.
‘hey, i know you’re probably asleep right now. but i miss you. call me.’
he’s not you, not by far. but it’s enough to calm me down. i climb back to bed, and turn your picture around. i don’t need any more reminders of you.
i do my 5 minutes before i sleep thing, only difference is that you’re not whom i’m thinking off.
and then i’m gone, and so are you.
i’m only happy when it’s complicated
2 straight days of being accomplished should be acknowledged, i feel. so, this is me acknowledging my dedication to being hardworking.
i did math at midnight. math at midnight. i feel awesome.
yesterday, while i was busy explaining exactly why iago from ‘othello’ is dishonourable (this is not very hard. he actually is quite scumbaggy), henry came over with a bag full of chupa chups. 100 lollipops. he is currrently my favouritest person ever. of course, he also wanted me to give him a summary of ‘the picture of dorian gray’, but seriously, 100 lollipops to explain one of my favourite books – who’s complaining?
i particularly like the apple flavoured one now. watermelon’s way too sweet. it felt like instant diabetes the moment i put it in my mouth.
EDIT:
ok, so this happened a while back, but it’s so damn funny that i have to share.
jit was giving charlie and i a lift to yonder, where my car was parked. so we all get into his car, and as we’re buckling in, jit pauses suddenly, claiming to have heard a voice. taking this as my cue to make a smart/funny remark regarding his sanity, i laughed and then suddenly glanced at my phone. i had accidentally called the a-levels department and the person on the other line was repeatedly shouting hello, rather loudly.
it was such a facepalm moment. i felt quite the idiot.
wrote it in a letter that i sent to you
i have been so domesticated today, i could be martha stewart, minus you know, the cooking talent.
i did copious amounts of laundry, got my car washed, scrubbed my room, scrubbed my dog so vigorously with his brush that he sulked for an hour and wouldn’t come near me.
i feel very accomplished.
you know how some people when they’re on this huge ‘i’m going to be accomplished’ vibe, and they just keep on being accomplished throughout the day. yeah, that’s not me.
after my 3 hours of complete domesticity, i settled down in front of youtube with granola bars and alternated between dexter’s laboratory and the addam’s family.
then i watched an episode of merlin and decided i want an irish man, because really, how can you go wrong with them?
exactly, you can’t.
was talking to henry earlier, who apparently is very into cooking. he shook his head quite sorrowfully when i informed him that no, i cannot cook, and yes, i have been banned from the kitchen many times. he then offered to give me cooking lessons, and this offer was made in front of my mother, so of course i had to say yes.
we start next week, with a bullseye egg.
james laughed at me when i said i usually just microwave the eggs =(
it is 12.40 pm and i’m playing scrabble with charlie in her oversized room.
i redefine cool, as you can tell.
today has been an unusually good day, not that my life is a series of bad days, but today was, well, unusually good.
it started with a mcdonalds breakfast and then fungus coloured slurpee along with an apple floavoured lollipop. the slurpee was apple flavoured too, we think. no telling for sure though.
i paid attention in math! and understood what she was talking about! and got question number 2 right!
is anyone else excited?
lunch break was hilarious because i was talking with charlie and rachael, when i noticed out of the corner of my eye that someone from across the area was staring at me and then, i realised that the ‘creep’ was leconte, who was glaring at me because i was not acknowledging his existence. hello leconte. i hope you read this. your new hairstlye is soooo much better. we should meet up soon, and you should plan it you slacker.
lit was pretty awesome. i wish i had more time with that poem, because i really had a lot to say, but i think i did ok. you never know with poetry though. that was an internal rhyme. go me.
in bio, we cultured bacteria which sounds more exciting than it actually is. i think the only reason it was fun was because boys are not smart and harassing my lecturer about his life/love life is very entertaining.
we have to go back tomorrow to take pictures of our bacteria. be excited.
came home, watched one tree hill and rewatched how i met your mother. seriously, everyone should do themselves a favour and watch the above shows.
i should go be productive now and..do math. or lit. or bio. or not.
goodnight.
1) List 20 things that you want to say people, but never will
2) Don’t say who they are
3) Never discuss it again
1. sometimes, i wish you’d just text me to ask if i’m ok, because it’d be nice to
know you care.
2. you are my brother from another mother, with the minor exception of
you being a girl, but sister does not rhyme as well.
3. i miss miss miss you.
4. i’m sorry i didn’t fight harder for our friendship. we had a lot of good
memories, and i know, though i’ve denied it all this while, i’m partly to
blame.
5. i judged you, and i was wrong. i’m glad i got to know the real you.
6. you tease me about how i don’t care. the truth is, i don’t.
7. i value your judgement above everyone else’s. the rest of the world can
say good job, but it means more coming from you.
8. i think you try too hard. i wish you wouldn’t. i like you just the way you
are.
9. you come across as vindictive. i don’t trust you. you aggravate me.
10. your expectations of me are ridiculous. i owe you nothing.
11. i miss my morning conversations with you.
12. you need to learn to breathe. life’s too short to barrel through. do
something crazy, and for god’s sake, stop sweating the small things.
13. you saying hi, even when you didn’t have to, made me smile.
14. i think we’d be great friends. it just isn’t our time.
15. i don’t trust you. i never will.
16. you make me feel like my problems are petty.
17. i never liked you. i was just being diplomatic.
18. thank you.
19. you’re welcome.
20. i miss you.
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