March 25, 2009 at 8:02 am (Uncategorized)

i am all over the place right now.

he sends me a text – ‘chat. out back. need.’ monosyllables indicate distress. i forget my lunch plans immediately.
i watched him fall apart in front of me, something i have mixed feelings about. for one, this is the boy with an ego the size of our galaxy. he doesn’t fall apart. he’s not vulnerable. he’s not needy. and yet, that is exactly what he was. i am honoured, to be trusted with this side of him. at the same time, i’m terrified. i have never seen him this way. i don’t know what to do.
we sit down and he tells me whats wrong, things 3 years ago, he would never have shared.
i tell him what i think. i give him facts, not comfort. i know what he wants, but, and this might sound pompous, i know better what he needs.
we walk away when suddenly he says, “thank you for being the most supportive person.”
i stop and stare. he drags me along. “you’re not going to hear it often.” he warns.
it sounds trivial, but he’s never acknowledged our friendship this way before.  i’m allowed to gawk.
we stray in the shade, and argue about social rebounds. i tell him he cannot make the same mistake, he says we’ve all been there, even myself. i can see he doesn’t want to go there, but i ask anyway. i ask because i need to hear it. because i’ve needed to hear this for the past 4 years.
“extend your arms,” he says softly, an apologetic look in his eye.
he has made his point.
tears burn behind my eyelids, not because of the subject he brought up, but because i finally understood why we have never discussed this.
all those years, a younger me took his silence as apathy. and i was furious that he didn’t care.
now, i realise that it wasn’t out of apathy that he maintained silence, it was out of understanding. at a time where everyone else judged and pleaded, he knew better than to throw my mistakes back at my face.
in some respects, he gets me better than everyone else. in some respects, i do the same for him. we have no need to call each other out, with us, it’s just enough to know.
“i need you, ” he mumbles. “you’re the only one i trust to keep me straight,”
i’m here i tell him. i’m not going anywhere. and it’s true. angry as i have been, never once have i walked away.
we said our goodbyes,  go on with our respective lives.
and even though this was about him, somehow i feel like we ended up disecting my heart.
it felt right.

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