April 29, 2009 at 3:07 pm (Uncategorized)

… while we flatter ourselves that things remain the same, they are changing under our very eyes from year to year, from day to day.
– charlotte perkins gilman.

‘so, what happened?’, she asked. or maybe i asked. i don’t know. it doesn’t matter anyways. we’re both thinking the same thing.
things change so fast sometimes, and for no apparent reason, and you try your best to hold on, slow things down, make sense out of everything, but you can’t.
some things just don’t make sense.
some friendships don’t pan out.
some things just can’t be saved.
but, is that really any reason not to try?
except it’s strange, because we’re trying, we really are, and you’re not. it’s like you don’t even care. and that’s what scares me the most. your apathy.

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person.

cimg2872something is up with my face in this picture. it’s my eyes i think. i look hungover. and extremely tired. the latter is actually true.

camped out at college doing math. this is going to be my life all the way till june 11th, so yes, i forsee myself repeating that sentence a lot.
lunched with alyssa in subway.
one and a half months till we next meet again =(

drove the madre all the way to hartamas for some dinner thing and had to hang around waiting for her.
i spent my time, wait for it wait for it, DOING MATH. in a random cafe.

cimg2875creamy beef bacon pasta. honestly, it wasn’t the yummiest. not creamy enough. the beef bacon part was good, but then again, it’s pretty impossible to mess it up.

cimg2878the dessert though, chocolate hazelnut mousse, was sublime. no, seriously, it was the shit.
it’s chocolate mousse with a hazelnut biscuit layer in the middle. the owner advised me to take a bite, and then wait two minutes, and take another bite to taste the change in texture. the first bite, it was hard, like ice cream. the second bite around, the mousse had settled into this kind of firm creamy base. ok, i cannot describe it. but, it was very good. trust.

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April 28, 2009 at 2:37 pm (Uncategorized)

shit, i’m tired. my legs are all jelly-like from the treadmill and the bicycle.
yay healthy lifestyle.

i realised today, that both my parents are compulsive cooks.
this is why there is a large container of chee yoke in the fridge. and shepherds pie. and chicken curry.
they have one child. one. me. who rarely eats at home. and now we have enough food to feed all the denizens of singapore.

i’ve been doing math all day, and so i rewarded myself by watching grey’s. i ended up being so emotionally spent, i went to bed. 
‘no fair. no fair, no fair, no fair.’  – girl with cancer.
no, it’s not fair. it never is.

and then of course, you texted me. after he texted me. sidenote: i am getting better at texting on the new phone.

‘are you not tired of being the go to girl?’
‘hmmm?’
‘him. you. his go to girl. you’re content?’
‘a little while ago, i stopped loving him like that.’
‘so, it doesn’t bother you?’
‘no. does it bother you?’
‘yes.’
 
and then you’re gone. and i’m irritated. because i am doing math and planning a camp, and sorting out a newsletter, and revising bio, and rereading pride and prejudice, and i really don’t need cryptic messages from you adding to my confusion.

i swear, the only male i even remotely like right now, is my dog.

before i go watch how i met your mother, i must stress how i find it strange that i can play tetris for 4 hours straight, but i can’t pay enough attention to get instant noodles done.

i am going to die when i go away to university.

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April 26, 2009 at 5:00 pm (Uncategorized)

tagged by au:

1st pic – Of your friend or beloved doing immoral pose in the public.
2nd pic – Of you and your friend/beloved wearing the same apparel!
3rd pic – urm. Of your overseas’ friend!
4th pic – A pic of yourself which you wished to fix it so it will look perfect.

1. p1020013

2. p1070018

3. cimg1447

4. cheryl

yes, you may laugh. au, i did your tag. thanks for the distraction from p&p. not.

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April 26, 2009 at 2:48 pm (Uncategorized)

i feel very unsettled today. or maybe i’m just tired from all the lit studying i’ve been doing. 2 bottles of red tea down. i am not calm.
decisions, decisions.
lingering doubt.
all the voices that will not be silenced.
i wish i could believe you when you say it doesn’t matter.

I am finding out that maybe I was wrong
That I’ve fallen down and I can’t do this alone
Stay with me, this is what I need, please?
Sing us a song and we’ll sing it back to you
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?

pc050063

 

I am nothing now and it’s been so long
Since I’ve heard the sound, the sound of my only hope
This time I will be listening.
Sing us a song and we’ll sing it back to you
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?

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the thing is though, while i am perfectly capable of deluding myself, i cannot be deluded.
this has mattered for so long, too long. some days i think, i will never get over it. some days, i think it doesn’t matter.
some days, i do.
some days, i don’t.
sometimes, i forgive myself.
sometimes, i don’t.

and while i don’t believe you when you say it doesn’t matter, i still want you to keep telling me that.
maybe if i hear it enough, i might actually start to believe you.

how many times in life, do we long to hear someone say something, only to not hear it from them. or in fact from anyone else.
like they’re supposed to know what we want to hear.
like they’re psychic.
i wish you were psychic.
i wish you knew what i wanted to hear.
i wish you knew how badly i need to hear you say it.

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i hope you know

April 24, 2009 at 2:26 pm (Uncategorized)

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technically, the very first time we travelled together. i exposed you to central market. you are welcome.

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to that last trip back from washington.

it was great seeing you today. and for the next 2 months; i’m excited.
going to the afs office today brought back a lot of memories. and also, you’re looking at the new project manager for the alumni camp. yaaay.

i was going to blog yesterday about happy things like how dexter said i looked homeless (i have a cold! i need those damn tissues), how all my lecturers commented on how i look unhealthy (how very observant of you lot. me coughing and sniffling didn’t seem out of place at all did it?) and finally how everyone has been nagging me to go see a doctor (ok, OK. i’m going tomorrow. god, it’s like having 5 mothers).
so yeah, happy post was the plan. but then, i went on myspace. yes, i know myspace is lame, and dead, and lame, but hello, all my myrtle creek friends are there. so, i occasionally deign to log in.

i think, more than anything, i was disappointed. 6 months pregnant. really? really? you weren’t that girl. you were never that girl. how the hell did you become her? all those nights we would hang out, doing stupid things, all those times you said you’d never turn out that way. i’m not judging. i’m just sad.
you fake happiness, and joy, and for all i know, maybe you actually are, but i’m not buying that for a second. you were supposed to come to malaysia, and i was going to drive us till we ran out of gas, and the vodka and..all our plans; they weren’t just the effects of too much alcohol. i know they weren’t. i don’t know what i should do. do i send you a message saying ‘heeey. what’s up with you?’, because you know, i never stopped caring. do i say congratulations, or do i say i’m sorry? will you even respond?

i know you never gave shits, but i also know, this was not your plan.
i told you that you were so much better. honey, i meant it. i just wished that maybe you would have believed me.

 

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April 22, 2009 at 3:38 pm (Uncategorized)

when i got the 9.30 a.m. text saying my 12 p.m. law class was cancelled, 12 p.m. law class being one of my two classes of the day, fmylife flashed in my brain.
i was very tempted to leave, except i knew if i left for home, i would not return. i’d probably wallow in bed, watch one tree hill, wallow some more. so, that option was out.
then, pia (out of severe like for me, i want to think) invited me to follow her and najwa for yellow cab pizza.
i thought it’d be awkward, because even though pia and i talk alllll the time, we’ve never actually hung out. it was pretty cool though. we headed to one u after lunch because the girl who denies being trippy wanted to buy a trippy hippie skirt.

came back to college in time for chocolate and cake. i love how our lives seem to practicaly revolve around food. no, seriously it’s the answer to everything.
long day = need food
short day = must snack
depressing poem in lit = happy food
cheryl’s got the mother of all colds = chocolate themed food

actually, i think i might cut back on the chocolate. i’m getting so sick, it’s not funny.

smoker’s den in wisma sells snapple! SNAPPLE! freaking cold storage does not sell snapple. i am in awe.

today, charlie’s mum gave me a ride back to main block, and we had the funniest conversation.

charlie’s mum: so how much sleep do you get?
me: two to three hours. but once a week, or every two weeks, i crash.
charlie’s mum: you should pass it to amanda.
me: but people with insomnia die sooner.
charlie’s mum: she sleeps too much.
me: well, she’ll live a long, healthy life.
charlie’s mum: like a sloth.

aiyo, very funny. i laughed all the way back to my car.

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April 22, 2009 at 10:34 am (Uncategorized)

dear you,

i miss you.  its been 2 weeks since i walked away, you know, the day you didn’t stop me? but it’s ok, we’re ok, and i know that. and i know that you know that. but i miss you now. as in, right now. i haven’t missed you as much before, because i wasn’t quite sure about you anymore. i didn’t know where you stood, or how i felt, and because of that, i chose to stay away. as lame as this might sound, it wasn’t you, it was me.
but i figured it out now. you have changed, and so have i, and i guess my mistake was expecting everything to stay the same. but things do not stay the same. who you were to me in high school is different compared to who you are to me now. my expectations are different. less, i think. i don’t need you quite as much, and that sounds bad, but it’s not. i’ve grown up some, met other people, realised that there are different kinds of friendships, and we both need to acknowledge that.
you will always be a priority in my life, but i can never give you the tag i once did. it’s not fair, not to me and definitely not to you. i’m doing away with pedestals, and expectations.
and maybe i sound a trifle bitter, but i am not. growing up is sometimes a hard lesson, that’s all. you take care now. i’ll probably give you a call in a day or two. or maybe i’ll just text you now. whatever. you’ll hear from me.

love,
cheryl

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April 21, 2009 at 7:42 pm (Uncategorized)

its 3 in the morning, and i just woke up about half an hour ago.
tuesdays wear me out, and at the risk of being extremely whiny, tuesdays and the fact that i have the worst cold in the history of the universe left me very tired and grumpy.
oh my god, i’m so tired of my nose. i wish i could chop it off. or just…detach it.
seriously, i’m amazed with all the nose blowing i’ve done, that i haven’t popped a blood vessel. or my ear drum. all very real fears.
i’ve taken to walking around college with a box of kleenex in my bag. a box. not a packet, a box.

when talking to both dexter and jason yesterday about getting  another tat, they both suggested i get dragons across the length of my arms so that i can be eligible for the yakuza. because you know, a portuguese indian wouldn’t be out of place in the yakuza at all.

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picture proof of my sasa dedication.

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April 19, 2009 at 12:48 pm (Uncategorized)

once upon a time, there were four friends. these four friends had gone through a lot together; high school, real life drama, staged drama, fights, jokes – everything. one day, one of the four decided that he wanted to be a model, and so the other three said ‘of course. why not? tally ho!’
ok, we didn’t actually say that, but we went along with it. which is why i was at leconte’s house at 8.45 a.m. because apparently,  ‘you’re always late cheryl d’souza. you better be early.’ not that he remembers saying this to me.
it was funny how none of us really knew where we were going. i mean, there were vague ideas, but yeah, we got there by luck.
the model auditioning thing was done in the open, quite amusing. leconte got through, we laughed at people, chin hong missed out on the whole thing because he was getting food from 1901’s.
later on, we headed to 1u with lunch and movie in mind. chocolicious sundae from delicious is amazingly good. oh chocolate, how glad am i that you are back in my life.
watched he’s just not that in to you. it was ok.
came home, did lit. finished lit, did a celebratory jig. now must go study bio.

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April 17, 2009 at 3:36 pm (Uncategorized)

i was watching austin powers in goldmember, and oh my lord, how can anyone even like it? i was so irritated, i switched to janice dickinson’s modelling agency.

6 hour session with one of the top fives.
i relish your company, because i can be completely and totally honest. bitchy, even.
it doesn’t matter where we are; mcdonalds, my extremely warm living room, mamak, i always enjoy our conversations.
i am overthinking today, one of the few times i let myself do this. you might be leaving in 5 months, and i am not excited. who else am i going to unload on? i want to be completely unselfish and say ‘go. go because you know it’s what’s best for you. ‘ but really, i want to say, ‘stay. because you understand me better than most, and it’s too much effort to forge that sort of relationship with anyone else.’
that’s not to say you’re not absolutely ridiculous sometimes =)
‘kids are idiots.’
‘i know. when yours are idiots, i’m going to say how they’re exactly like they’re mum.’
‘idiot!’
we’re going to greece, langkawi and genting first, but ultimately, greece.
and boys are idiots.
and no more coke. ever.

toma is back in my room. his love of the plastic maggie mee cup in which he insists on hiding in most of the time, is ridiculous.
hedgehog’s are weird.

it’s been a fun week, fun i think because i spent a lot of time chairing debates and not attending classes. all in the name of sasa. its times like these, when i can honestly say yay sasa.

must go watch himym now. and hopefully cleanse my mind of austinwhatsitcalled.

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