September 10, 2009 at 4:51 pm (personal)

as we jostle each other playfully, trying to all fit into the camera lens, i sober up at the thought of how our smiling faces will be permanently frozen in that moment forever in a folder in my computer, but that one by one, the faces will slowly disappear from my life – as soon as next week, in fact.

i have discovered that if you tell yourself something often enough, you actually start to believe it. and so, i happily pretended that the two people closest to me were not leaving anytime soon.
but, they are.
and i cannot pretend to not feel anything about this anymore.

today, as we all sat around the table, drinking coffee, laughing, taking stupid pictures; i realised that all the things we did together, as a group, all the things i took for granted, we will not be doing anymore.

everyone’s leaving, and i feel so alone.

i will miss you. and you. and us.

my heart hurts.

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August 29, 2009 at 4:28 pm (personal)

soooooo, its been a pretty banal week. i have…slouched around. yeah, that’s the only thing i really remember doing. mercifully, i am not one of those people who have to constantly be active and productive. i am actually okay with being indolent. i can live with myself.

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oh, sorry. did you not see that coming?

i think i’ve kinda always wanted to be a wizard, a good one, duh. i first started reading harry potter when i was 11, and i still remember how i’d wave a ruler around, yelling nonsense spells.
many a death eater (barbie dolls) did i kill, along with my trusty wizard friends (various soft toys) occasionally, i’d coverse with muggles (mum/neighbours)

i don’t think i’ll ever outgrow harry potter, and i’m pretty sure that a small part of me will always want to be a wizard.

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i’ve also wanted to be a pirate in the past.
i cannot justify this, nor can i remember why i got stuck on this in the first place. but, i know for a fact that i did want to be a pirate, with a parrot, and to have a battle with a hot enemy pirate, only to fall madly in love with each other and together, conquer the seven seas.

basically, i wanted a mr. and mrs. smith storyline, but in pirate garb and pirate talk.

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first off, let me address the fact that this picture is highly unattractive. yes, i know, thank you. but i’ve been fiddling with this one for something like half an hour, and i cannot get it right (giant twss right there). also, do remember that i am indolent. and what that actually means is that, i don’t care.
so, ok, superhero. everyone’s wanted to be a superhero, even me. i didn’t necessarily want to be superman, cause i always thought he was a pansy (i blame smallville for this perception), instead, i wanted to be…INVISIBLE GIRL (yeah, i know, i know, soooooo creative) but you see, what made me different is that i wanted to be INVISIBLE GIRL with magic powers, not unlike those possessed by the sisters from charmed. that means my powers would include: invisibility, telepathy, freezing time, predicting the future and teleportation.
i would be so kick ass.
also, my superhero saga would include me dating a whitelighter, because you know, why let the fantasy stop at powers?

ok, so why am i bringing these highly impossible dreams up? honestly, i didn’t intend to. i was going to blog about conversations i’ve been having all week, but i think i needed this post more.

a-levels is tough shit. what with studying for all the subjects, doing my sats/sats2, university applications, scholarship applications, and afs work, i find myself having constant moment of disillusionment. 
also, i am scared.
there is so much i want to acheive; real stuff, as in actually possible dreams, and sometimes, i am terrified that somehow, i am going to mess it up.
so today, for the fifteen minutes it took to type this out, i am reminding myself about the kid who believed she could be anything – be it wizard, pirate, or superhero. i am reminding myself to never lose that spirit, to never give up, and most importantly, to never give in.

strange how much wiser an 11 year old is than a 19 year old.

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August 22, 2009 at 1:00 pm (personal)

lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
lying on the floor surrounded, surrounded
why’d you have to wait? where were you? where were you?
just a little late, you found me, you found me.

this could be our story, and i’d like to pretend i don’t care, but i do. i wish you’d care half as much as i do, because if you did, you’d be right here, and this was post wouldn’t be necessary.
i don’t really know what im hoping for, sitting here, typing this. it’s not going to bring you back, it’s not going to open your eyes and it sure as hell isn’t going to make me feel better.
you’ve made your choice, and i’d like to pretend i made mine, even though we both know that i really didn’t have a choice here, did i?

where are you?
no, really, where? not as in physically, but…you. you you. the you i knew, the you i loved, the you i would have done almost anything for.
(note the past tense)
where are you?

i tell everyone who asks that it doesn’t matter, that i don’t really care. who am i trying to fool? i never stopped caring, and that’s what really sucks, because somewhere along the way, you obviously did.
and i don’t know why.

so, i guess what i’m really trying to say, what this entire post is really about, is that…i miss you.
i really really really miss you. italics don’t lie.

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August 20, 2009 at 3:36 pm (friends, personal)

i should blog about our awesome malacca trip, but i’m so tired. and also, everyone else has the pictures. (i know, i know. that excuse is getting old. i should just go ahead and get myself a new camera. noted)

so, i came home, and i was so full of nervous energy, i cleaned out my drawers – all 6 of them. and while doing that, i found a hardcover brown book with roses traced out all over the cover, and golden pages.

my oregon diary.
how could i have forgotten all about it?

so, yes, i was flipping through it, and i got all the way to the last entry. and for some inane reason, i feel like sharing part of it here. this isn’t prompted by anything. i just want to.

one thing about being an exchange student – you lose all sense of time. on the plane heading to washington dc now. i hate this part. it’s like the beginning of the end, and i just want it to end already. i’m so sick of goodbyes, and i don’t want anymore hellos.’

why am i posting this?

i don’t know. it just felt right.

OH. have you met my talented friend? i meant to do this ages ago but ehhh, i forgot.

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August 11, 2009 at 2:52 am (music, personal)

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it’s one of those miss oregon mornings.

EDIT:

went to coco banana for the exclusive listening to boys like girls latest album, the one that’s not out yet. we were told that they weren’t going to be there. IT WAS A LIE! THEY WERE THERE. ohmygodohmygodohmygod.
martin johnson induces hyperventilation.
he said, ‘whats up?’ to me. my face – i wish everyone could have seen it.
they explained the entire album to us, song by song, and that made it really cool, because we got an insight behind all those lyrics.

I AM INTERVIEWING THEM TOMORROW!

not going to be able to sleep tonight =)

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July 21, 2009 at 5:28 pm (personal)

i miss you, but i’m not doing anything about this, us, you and me, so maybe, just maybe, i don’t miss you enough.
and that scares me.
i’ve always been the one to care more, the one to fix things. but i’m tired of being the fixer.
you fix this.
and if you don’t, or you can’t, then maybe it’s time to walk away.
i hate to sound like i’m giving up, but there are times when you have to draw the line, and decide what’s worth salvaging and what’s better of gone.
you’re in the maybe pile and i don’t know if i’m holding on from pure affection, or because i just can’t bear to say goodbye.
either way, i’m going to have to decide.
or maybe your silence has already determined my decision, except i don’t want to admit it just yet.

drinking milo in the a.m. and talking to real people, who matter. you are not on my mind.

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